I have a lot I want to say and I'm not sure if I want to say it all in one post or if I want to say it in two. If I'm honest, I don't even know where to start. But I'll call this post decisions and just make it about my immediate future. Then soon, I'll write another. Maybe I'll write it tonight. But for now... decisions.
So at this point last year, I had already decided what to do. In fact, I had given my official decision to ESI and Fishnet about my plans for this year in December-two months or more before I had to. Because I was that sure. In fact, starting off the school year, I was fairly certain I would be here a 2nd year. But going into this year was completely different. I left America telling myself I had made one decision. As soon as I got to the Czech Republic, I thought I would make a different decision. I went back and forth all through the fall, considered getting a different job here which would allow me to pay my student loans. I had the plans all out in front of me. And they were perfect...
Until about January. It might have been December, but I think it was January that I started thinking that God might be calling me back to America. I realize it's dangerous to put this all out there. But I'm just going to. I'm sorry if you're learning about any of this struggle for the first time through a blog. It's hard for me to talk about because the decision is so excruciating. My heart is here in Ostrava, and if I were able to go back to America and make lots of money, I'd come back every summer. But it appears that this might not be God's plan either. I have a few options on the table. And I'm not entirely closed off to staying either. I love Ostrava and the Czech Republic and all of the fabulous friends I've made here. I will miss them so much, and it breaks my heart to know that I may leave that, and have no definite plans to return in the near future.
But even now, I feel like God will require a great amount of faith from me, regardless of which decision I make. I feel fortunate that I have been brought so far in a life which requires so much faith-building, though sometimes I'd like to curse it, as well. Go from one job which provides enough money to survive to another job which may provide less than that, or to a different faith option where I could potentially end up with no job at all. I think I know which one I am being called to, but there's still that whispering doubt lingering in the back of my mind, reminding me of the what-ifs. But that is a time where I am ever-thankful for the relationship I've built and nurtured over the years that allows me to stand firm, at least for the time being, in knowing what I should do, at least for this moment. But trust rarely comes easily for me. But now a new lesson. Humility. I'll choose not to talk about this one much. It's the beginning of that lesson, so I don't want to tell anyone about it. Just know it's happening.
Please pray for me for two things. Pray that I'll have the faith to do whatever He asks, regardless of how much sense it makes to me or to anyone else. And pray that I will learn this lesson on humility with grace.
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