Another new beginning

Wow, it's been a while since I posted a blog. Almost a year. Since then, I had a number of ups and downs. I completed two semesters toward a masters degree. I caught a vision and decided an aspiration of mine is to become a principal, and might mean moving even higher in education... I applied and was accepted to an alternative certification program. I didn't end up placed with the program this year, but went through a fantastic training over the summer. I met some really AMAZING people who are going to change education in Philadelphia. I plan to reapply next year. I was rehired as a teacher by the School District of Philadelphia after four years of being away.

I can guarantee that I am not the same person I was a year ago. While I find much about my current circumstances to be quite similar to this time last year, I am completely different. Each trial and joy I have experienced has deeply and profoundly affected who I am becoming.

I've been inspired over the past couple of days to get back to blogging. I have a lot to say about things that are important to talk about. Facebook can be good, but Facebook can also be inappropriate for the length of some things I say :-) So I'm going to keep this blog, and add to it. I'm likely going to change the name and update the look. But I'll write. About many different things. Things that are important to me and things that I think need to be discussed. I welcome you to read, to disagree, and to comment.

I only ask a few things of you:

Be respectful. In all of my posts, I will work hard to be respectful. I welcome disagreement. I grow by learning from others who have differing perspectives. I only ask that in your disagreement, you are respectful.

Be open to something new. As I post, my words may seem incredibly opinionated (I am generally very opinionated about things that I care about). In my opinionatedness, I try to remain open to learning from a different perspective. I say try because I am not perfect and I am sure that there are times I think I am being open, when in fact I am not. If you feel I am not open, kindly call me out on it. Please make sure you are also remaining open, and I will also call you out on it if you are not.

Engage. Get fired up. Investigate. Meet new people. Comment. While this is very much a place where I want to write my thoughts down, I welcome engagement from others. If I know you, awesome! I'd love to hear from you. If I don't know you, sweet! I want to get to know you and learn from you through your posts.

Many ideas are on my mind. I'll post them separately, but this blog will likely cover a great deal of topics. They may be reactions to things I see in social media, things I see in the news, things that are affecting me personally. My views may be similar to yours. My views may be different from yours. For those who don't know me, this is where I'm coming from:

I am a Christian. I operate from this worldview, but that does not mean I belong in a box with "all other Christians". I know many Christians who agree with me on various topics. I know many more Christians who don't. I also know many people who are not Christians who agree with me on various topics, as well as others who don't. What I do need you to know, however, is that faith very much shapes the way I come at things. This does not mean I expect that you have the same faith or beliefs. I welcome learning from you if you have a different set of faith beliefs or unbeliefs.

I am a teacher in Philadelphia. And it doesn't matter where you come from, where you live, how much money your parent(s)/guardian(s) do or don't make, your abilities or disabilities. ALL children deserve an education that prepares them for college and/or a career. This belief very much shapes my perspective on all things education. Education is one (possibly of many) topic that really gets me fired up. Education matters.

I am white. Many of my closest friends are not. Racism exists, as does white privilege. I know that racism exists because I have lived with people who are quite different from me-socioeconomically, racially, and ethnically, as well as so many other ways. People who are white benefit (intentionally or unintentionally)from the system that is established in our country and people of color are systemically oppressed, excluded, and marginalized. If you disagree, be careful with your words and be respectful, but let me know. That discussion is open. (disclaimer: I fully admit I tend to come at this from the perspective that what I believe is right. Knowing this about myself, I seek to respect that others' experiences have not allowed them to see things as clearly as I, but I also believe that if you are open to seeing things differently, you may see that, at least in part, there is some truth to what I believe and say. Also, feel free to call me out if you think I'm wrong. I need to learn from others about this as much as I want to teach others.)

These are three topics that I feel most passionately about. All of these things are tightly interwoven, at least in my worldview and perspective. Quite often, when I talk about one, the other or others will also come up. Just expect it :-)

So here we are. The end of this post, but beginning of a new chapter in this blog.

Justice

Throughout the Bible, you'll see mention of justice, God's heart for justice and His call for believers to pursue justice. In my life, God has given me a heart for His justice as well. This is much of why I chose to do Mission Year. The other night, we had a city wide-something we have every other week aimed at spiritual formation. Last night's topic was justice. We watched a short video and then broke into groups and read several verses about God's heart for justice and our call, then discussed. One of these verses was Isaiah 58:6-14.

I had read this before, and even had responded to it for an assignment but I had felt confused by it. I didn't understand how fasting related to loosing the chains of injustice or untying the cords of the yoke or setting the oppressed free? How is that fasting? Hearing this verse again hit me in a new way-the words almost seemed to dig claws into my heart, to forcibly yank my head in the other direction, to see what was staring back at me. Fasting isn't this narrow view that I've held on to for so long-giving up food for a day (or any other thing for that matter) and replacing it with prayer.

The picture painted here is one where a person fasts by giving herself or himself and replaces it with "the other", by giving up what I "deserve" and working toward loosing the chains of injustice, untying the cords of the yoke, and setting the oppressed free. When I got home, I continued to ponder this verse, read it and re-read it, then read the following chapter. And then decided to read the entire context of the chapter. The section is called True Fasting, and in it, God is speaking to His people, telling them of their rebellion and the way that they "fast" in order to get God to do what they want Him to do. The way that they want "just" decisions. And God replies to them and their way of doing things with the end of verse 3 through verse 14. He is saying that our justice isn't his justice.

He is asking us to give up ourselves-our "rights" and "privileges" and all that we "deserve" in order to change the world by speaking up for the oppressed, the captive, the homeless, the poor, the orphans, the widows, the prisoners. And that voice is most effective when it moves from where it is in an apathetic perpetuation of an unjust system to joining the oppressed. As the video points out, the question changes when you become one with the oppressed. You no longer tire of fighting for justice when it becomes your justice.

The call I feel on my life is just that. I want to be the kind of person who seeks to give up myself in order to join others in fighting for justice. I want every decision I make to be one that reflects this desire. Even as I write this, I want to fight that. I want to have nice things, new things, lots of money, my own house, a car, and all the luxuries society tells us we need to be happy. But what happens when the reason you can have those things points back to the injustice that exists in our world? The cry of my heart is that I give up the things I want. That is not to say I can't have nice new things or a car or a house or anything else like that. But I want my decision to have certain things and do certain things reflect this fasting that I am called to as a follower of Christ-I want to make my choices carefully, and not just to please myself. My prayer is that I follow Christ by taking up my cross daily, and that in this, I will make choices that set people free, loose chains, unties cords.

What does the Gospel cost?

Sorry for my lack of creativity for the past couple of posts. If you already read my mission year blog, feel free to skip this one, since I'm just copying and pasting it here :-) Maybe someday I will start doing 2, but for right now, this works out ok.

It was the first Sunday I was back on American soil-only the 4th day being back in Maine with family. At this point it was about two weeks ago, and I was sitting in the church I had grown up in spiritually and was listening to my youth pastor (who is now the senior pastor) preach. He has been doing a series on Jesus, Community and Mission, and I'll admit, I haven't been following it. But it was almost as if that sermon was just for me. Not because it convicted me in any special kind of way, but because it touched my heart right where I was, all reverse-culture-shocked and trying to figure things out. This week was on Mission. To be honest any of those could have caught me right where I was, but this one was the perfect one-it must have been memorable and at least marginally good if I still remember it, almost two weeks later. The question that stuck with me is that in the title here: what does the Gospel cost? Now I will warn you, there's a good chance that this will be somewhat lengthy. I'll try to keep it short, but I'm not usually known for being short-winded. 

The passage for this sermon was Colossians 1:24-29. If you'd like to hear the sermon, you can listen at http://wbcministries.com/media.php?pageID=19. This particular sermon was the one from June 24th. We went through and discussed suffering, and this question came up. What does the Gospel cost? I didn't catch it until tonight when I listened to the sermon again to refresh my brain, but Mark had told us three things that sharing the Gospel can cost us, but then at the end, he asked again, and invited the congregation to share how the Gospel can specifically cost our missional communities (our church's version of small groups, but with a missional twist, so to speak). And then several people shared.

Some of the key ways that came up were in money-it costs money to have people over for dinner, for example, time-you may spend more time with people than you had previously, your comfort zone-you may branch out to spend time with people who you aren't necessarily naturally drawn to, and possibly even your reputation-being with people who people might look down on you for being with and being in places people might look down on also (because, as Mark brought up, "that never happened to Jesus" haha). 

I had an answer that day, fresh from the mission field, and still processing two years of mission and community, still discontented with so many things. But I didn't have the nerve to speak up. I can't give a good reason why, but I will say it was somewhat overwhelming to be in a church where I didn't need headphones to understand the sermon. No one who spoke up was wrong. Sharing the Gospel costs all these things. 

But truly sharing the Gospel costs exactly what Jesus gave: ourselves. Living life for the Gospel, to share the Gospel with those who need it and want it, even though they don't know what it is, costs everything. It costs all you won, not just money but your material possessions are no longer yours. Yeah, you have them, but they mean next to nothing. And they should because God has only put them in your possession for a time. You have to be willing to leave it all behind to go to the next place. Ask my roommate Erica how much I left behind int he Czech Republic so I could come back and prepare to move to Atlanta. Sorry, Erica, I did fit all I needed, but I didn't fit it all :-) 

It costs more than time. Your time is no longer your own. Someone may need you at 2 am. I don't have much experience with this. But maybe you were planning on doing some lesson planning, but someone wants to have someone to eat dinner with, or maybe someone is sick and instead of having them over, you make them something and take it to them. Your time is yours to plan, but then God says, "You know, you could love others and love me more in this moment by changing your plans and doing this instead." 

This may sound weird, but it costs more than your comfort zone. Perhaps this is one area that I struggle the most to give up to God (or maybe it's easiest, I can't tell). But you have to be willing to constantly go outside your comfort zone and trust God with everything. Trusting that while you have no income, He will provide a way for your bills to be paid. Something which causes humility (oh, and that is costing you, too-it's costing you pride. You didn't do it on your own). 

It costs more than your reputation. A Christian should not care at all what anyone things of them. This is such a dangerous thing to say. I care very much what people say about me-when what they say about me isn't true. But even in this case, that shouldn't matter. If you're doing what you know is right in the eyes of God, it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks. It can be a fine line to walk, so remember that it's for the sake of the Gospel. (If you're doing things you shouldn't, it should matter what other people thing. And if they love you enough to tell you that they think what you're doing isn't right, you should be humble enough to listen).

Sharing the Gospel costs all of you-your emotions, your physical strength, your intelligence (and sometimes, it literally seems to cost you your intelligence... just ask someone who lives in a country which speaks a different language-you lose your own native language and forget words like tire and hat. trust me). It costs what you own (or what you think you own) and what you think. But the dividends are immeasurable. If I'm honest, I know exactly what it costs to share the Gospel. And if I'm more honest, I know I've fallen so short of giving up all of it. But even giving up a fraction for the sake of the Gospel has shown me that it's 100% worth everything it costs. To see God moving in ways you never thought possible is priceless. To see God changing you in ways you never thought possible is incredible. Answering young people who are asking you what you believe and why, and sharing life with friends who maybe never even gave the cross a second though. All of these things are what you miss out on when you miss that Christ doesn't just call you to follow him, but he tells his disciples, "If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me" (Matt 16:24, emphasis added by me). Jesus himself tells us that it costs us ourselves. I hope that over my next year with Mission Year, and after, that I will continue to learn exactly what this looks like and exactly how I can deny myself and take up my cross daily so that, like Paul, I rejoice in whatever ways I suffer for the Gospel for he sake of the Christian community.

How do you know?

So this is a blog I just posted on my Mission Year blog, but I thought I'd also share it here. And feel free to visit my Mission Year blog at missionyear.org/jessicalamson. 


Recently, a friend posted on facebook that I shouldn't leave and I responded by saying that God was pointing me in this direction, so I had to go. To this, one of my good friends asked, "How did you know where he was pointing? And where can I get I get a sign like this?" And to be honest, while I haven't questioned it really because I just know, coming up with some kind of an answer was pretty difficult. But it has really caused me to think about what I'm doing and why. So I'm going to share a bit of this road with you.

Back after college, I almost applied for Mission Year, but for some unknown (or at least unremembered) reason, I didn't end up applying, and I ended up doing the Philadelphia Teaching Fellows instead. So now I have a teaching certification. And I got to realize a dream before I turned 30. Before I turned 25, really. There were times that it seemed more like a nightmare, but it was a dream come true. And then He called me to the Czech Republic. And I ended up in a place that continues to help my resume, teaching at a bilingual elementary school. 

In the fall, I wanted to come back to the Czech Republic. I came thinking this would be my last year (and that next year, I'd go back to making lot of money), but as soon as I landed in Prague, I thought, "There's no way this is over." So I started considering my other options and was pretty much going to apply for a job. Once I knew I couldn't stay with my sending organization, I was settled about it, but I had no idea what was next. And that was ok. Once I hit a point where I could have applied and not been too early, I just didn't do it. It wasn't that i didn't have a peace about it. To be honest, it was a lot due to the fact that I didn't want to write a CV or anything like that. But I also just couldn't bring myself to do it. In October, my car sold, and I knew it was a sign about next year. But even then, when I had a plan that I was going to pursue, I still couldn't bring myself to apply-I couldn't even say with certainty that I would be back here in the Czech Republic for next year. I was pretty sure, though, that I wouldn't be in America. In some ways, I'm glad I was wrong about that.

In January, when God brought Mission Year back to my mind (quite randomly to me, as far as I could tell) I thought, "Oh, that might be fun. But who knows." The more I looked into it and thought about it, though, the more I knew it was what I wanted, and the more I felt it was what God wanted. Even to the point that I applied for the graduate program at Eastern at the same time that I applied for Mission Year-something I really never wanted to do (but would have done because it seemed like the logical next step-to get a masters degree). 

Now for a somewhat amusing (at least to me) story about another small confirmation to me that this was right. Before finishing my application, I had already decided on my top 3 choices. Philadelphia was my first choice, Oakland, CA, was my second choice, and Chicago, IL, was my third. I didn't really know why, but those were my choices. Anyway, once I filled out the application and found out I was accepted, I also found out that I had to choose two, not three, of my top choices. And somehow, I started thinking I'd rather go to Atlanta. I didn't really have any good reason for it. In fact, I had a hard time choosing anything because all of a sudden, Atlanta was in the running. I went from having to choose one out of two to choosing one out of three. Philadelphia was always my first choice-no questions asked. In the end, I didn't decide. I told them Philadelphia was my first choice, and after that, I couldn't choose, so wherever they put me was where God wanted me. 

In March, I found out I was going to Atlanta and I thought that this was really interesting and exciting because it was the random city that I wanted to go to but couldn't put as my second choice because I didn't have a good reason for it. 

But let's fast-forward to this week. On our Facebook page, an announcement was posted that there were two cities that they decided not to send people to this year. And guess what those two cities were-you guessed it. Chicago and Oakland. Yeah, it's small, but to me, this shows that God has had His hand on this decision for me since the beginning. The fact that I chose to teach in Philadelphia and earn a teaching certificate rather than going with Mission Year right away also seems to point to God. It opens doors for opportunities with Mission Year, even. God so clearly has His hand on this whole situation. Even when I start to get nervous about raising funds, I know that God has called me to do this, so He will provide for me to do it. I am so excited. I can't wait to see how God will use me and change me. I can't wait to be awed even more by God's works.

Faithfulness

So as I think all, or at least most, of you know, next year, I'm going to Atlanta! And I am way more that excited about that! I don't even think there are words to express how over the top excited I am about it. And for those of you who helped me reach a goal, thank you!!! In April, I raised $1500, and $1000 will be matched. You all are so awesome! I get so excited when I learn something new about my time there. God has been so faithful to me through my life-providing for me when I thought there was no way, showing me just how much He loves me, no matter how little I show my love for Him. And even in using each of you to provide, God reveals his faithfulness to me. He doesn't forget about me. He hears me. And I love it. He knows me so well that he provided me with tons of amazing friends so I never have to feel like I'm alone. It's amazing.

But just like I'm that excited about going to Atlanta, I'm equally sad about leaving Ostrava and the Czech Republic. Over the past two years, I have built my life here in a foreign land. I have made so many friends. I have had such wonderful experiences. And even in this I see God's faithfulness. As easy as it can be to just be done now, God, in His faithfulness, continues to bring new people and new experiences. Even though I'm not staying for another year, my time is not up here. And I can't help but hope that it means I can come back to live here again. But even if that doesn't happen, I hope I'm able to come back to visit. Because there will be a huge gaping hole in my heard that will only be refilled with the Czech Republic and those I know now who are here with me.

As someone who has moved regularly for her entire life, I can say in some ways moving gets easier with age. But in so many other ways moving becomes harder. I am so thankful for technology which allows me to keep in touch with friends all over the world.

God is so faithful. He proves to me day and night how He is faithful.

To where shall I go next?

So as I think most of you, or at least many of you, know, I applied to do something called Mission Year next year, where I will work as a missionary in some city in the US, volunteering with organizations in the city and helping out neighbors and other people, as well as learning about what I can do to fight injustice in the city (and then, of course, actually putting it into practice). And up until Wednesday night, I still didn't know where I would go. I had 5 choices-Philadelphia, Atlanta, Houston, Oakland, and Chicago. Philadelphia was my obvious first choice. It was a no-brainer.

Before I was accepted, I had made a list of three places and the order in which I wanted to go to them. I wanted Philadelphia, Oakland, and Chicago. But then I found out that I would give two preferences, and all of a sudden, things changed. Philadelphia never changed, but now I found myself trying to decide between Chicago and Atlanta. I had no idea why I even wanted to go to Atlanta, but in the end, I gave my first choice and said anywhere else would be fine, that I trusted them and God to put me where He needed me.

I knew by the end of March, I'd find out, and I hoped beyond hope that didn't mean waiting til midnight of the 31st to finally get an answer. And Mission Year did not disappoint. Wednesday night, I was checking my email before going to bed, and I saw the email. I called to myroommate when I opened it and sort of read it to her. I was glad it wasn't a short, quick, this-is-where-you're-going email that gave it away in the first line, since Gmail shows the first line in your inbox. I wanted to be able to read the email to find out. And I had to read a few paragraphs to finally get to it. But then I saw it... "Your new home next fall will be in Atlanta!" I was so excited. And it all made sense.

I am so sad to be leaving Ostrava. I love it here. And I love the people here. And I hope that I will be able to come back in the near future, though it will most likely be at least a year and a half to two years. Next year, I certainly won't have any money to travel out of the country. The closer my time comes to reaching the end, the more sad I get thinking about it. I don't want to say goodbye. But if there is one thing that my life has prepared me for, it's saying goodbye. I hate it, but it's sadly something that comes relatively easily for me. With much heartache, but little effort. I guess saying goodbye once every three to four years and packing up and moving somewhere else creates almost a routine in the sadness. But then there's the excitement of the unknown.

I am also, at the same time, thrilled to be a part of God's plan, to get to do His work in Atlanta. I can't wait to get there, though I find myself wishing for time to slow down so I don't have to go back to the US yet. Such mixed emotions.


I get to fundraise again, too! Admittedly, it's not my favorite aspect of doing anything, but it's necessary. And it's exciting that in the month of April, every donation will be matched, up to $1000. If you're interested in giving, go to www.missionyear.com/donate. You can give online or send a check to the address on the webpage. And to ensure tax deductibility, write my fund ID number rather than my name (it is 12-9030). This is a great time to give because every penny you give is matched, so essentially it's doubled! Thanks for thinking about it!

Running

So I am not a runner. I have never been a runner. I never even wanted to be a runner. I always envied those who would go running because they were able to do it, but I never wanted to put in the effort necessary to be a runner, so I never bothered. I am pretty sure in the 3rd grade, when we had to do the fitness test stuff and had to run a mile, I am pretty sure it took me like half an hour, and I probably walked half of it, if not more. I hated running. And my knees and ankles have never been big fans, either. In fact, one of my knees has really been against it since a short stint in October 2010 which caused a torn meniscus or ligament or something.

But then this winter came. It came late, but it came. And it was COLD. But honestly, not for very long. Already it is starting to warm up again (hopefully for good, though I'm not holding my breath) and the sun "shines" or at least is up longer now than it was a month ago. Spring is definitely coming. And I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but one day, I decided that I wanted to run. It was probably while there was snow on the ground and it was barely safe to walk. But I still had this desire. And when it came repeatedly, I decided that I would start doing the couch to 5k program once it got warm enough to run.

I must preface (or midface) this blog post with a note that I have asthma, though it has become milder as I have gotten older, it is aggravated by certain things, for example a chest cold and exercising in the cold. Just yesterday, I had to jog to catch the bus, and then to put the trash in the dumpster so I could catch another bus and ended up needing my inhaler as my lungs decided that it was too cold for them to function well. Since this has been my experience, I have opted not to run in cold weather because honestly, besides it aggravating my asthmas, it hurts!

This morning, I woke up to a clear blue sky and the sun shining. The kind of day that you half expect "It's a beautiful morning!" to just start playing out of nowhere. And I thought to myself, "Well, today's as good a day as any to start. I wonder how cold it is." I looked up the forecast and it was supposed to be sort of cold. I went outside to go shopping and it wasn't quite as bad as I was thinking, except when the wind blew. When I got home, I made myself go out. I had downloaded a podcast which played some music and told me when to switch to running and walking, so I just pushed play and off I went. And I realized some marvelous things. For one, it only hurts to breath for like ten seconds. Once your body warms up and gets used to the exercise, it doesn't hurt anymore. Thankfully, I didn't need my inhaler, either. For another thing, running's not so bad. I couldn't have done a straight 30 minute run, I don't think, but I'll work up to it. I started thinking I will cover more ground, I'll have to run more. But then I remembered that I will also work up to it. I don't have to do it overnight.

So anyway. I don't know when day 2 will come, but I finished week 1 day 1 of couch to 5k and it was awesome! I loved it! And I hope it becomes a normal habit for me! I just have one question. Will my face ever not turn bright red when I exercise?

Spring is springing!

I just want to say that I think I've officially decided to have one favorite season, rather than four. There has always been one aspect or more of each season which has caused me to never be quite sure which is my favorite. But let it be known, spring is now my favorite. I love when the weather starts to warm up, birds start singing in the trees, the sky is blue more frequently, and life just seems to be happier. Seeing someone smiling as you walk down the street does something to you-and it makes you smile just a little bit. And there's an extra spring in your step as you realize what a beautiful day it is. Then the flowers start to bloom, and the trees start to blossom. It's really fantastic. I love it :-)

blind faith

Sorry if this blog mirrors yesterday's blog. I think I have some different things to say, but one can never be sure. The topic is similar, but not quite the same.

Hebrews 11:1 (NIV) Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1-2 (The Message) The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.

Matthew 6:24 and Luke 16:13 No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

I'm on my way there, but I haven't read the whole Bible yet. Working on it presently, but sadly, I haven't managed it. In any case, I'm pretty sure there is no where that it says that the narrow path is the easy one. Or that if you have faith, God will disclose to you information that no one else has access to. Or that God will always tell you in advance where you're supposed to go or what you're supposed to do, or even what His plan may be about a certain matter that you decide is worth wasting your time worrying about. In Matthew 6:33, Jesus reminds us, "So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today."

One thing that God has been pointing out to me lately is just how much I don't have to worry about money. But He hasn't been pointing it out by providing it. He just keeps bringing it up. For a little bit, it was about how frustrated I was at how others seem so unwilling to trust God when it comes to giving money away. Generally, I trust God enough to give my money away. But today it hit me that I still seem to struggle with trusting that God will give to me.

Somehow, him providing the $17,000+ I needed to raise to teach in the Czech Republic for the last 2 years wasn't proof enough. Or him providing enough money for me to pay almost $500 a month for over a year for a car I wasn't able to actually use. Or him then providing a person to buy that car from me so I didn't have that hanging over my head. Or him providing enough money to pay for my student loans last year so I didn't have to put them in deferment. Or even when I couldn't rub two crowns together in the fall, and he still provided me with a way to have snacks at church or dinner out with friends-without me asking them for help, often. And these are only the recent things that I can think of. The list actually goes on and on and on. But yet I find it necessary to worry about next year. What if I don't have a job and can't pay my bills? What if I get accepted to the program I applied for but no one supports me financially? What if I can't raise enough support to pay the bills I have to pay?

I'm gonna be a little vague, and say if you want to know more about what I'm talking about, email me. I'm just not ready to post it in its entirety on such a public forum yet. But there's a program which I recently applied to for next year. I feel that God is calling me to this. And yet, I feel the need to worry about stupid things like money. It requires fundraising-which I must admit hurts my pride at least a little. it could require me asking for help in a way I don't want to-which hurts my pride even more. In knowing how frustrating and discouraging fundraising was in general over the past two years, I honestly don't want to open myself up to that again. Please don't misunderstand. I am eternally grateful to those who supported me. But it can be so discouraging to see that only one or two or three people supported me regularly. I say all of this at a risk of offending people. I know that the economy is tough and that people are out of jobs and that many of my friends have more than just themselves to look out for, and children cost a lot of money. I may not be in the same situation, but I get it.

In Mark and Luke, a story is told about a poor widow. "He sat down opposite the treasury, and watched the crowd putting money into the treasury. Many rich people put in large sums. A poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which are worth a penny. Then he called his disciples and said to them, 'Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the treasury. For all of them have contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on,'" (Mark 12:41-44, also in Luke 21:1-4).

I recognize that this is not a popular topic-it's not comfortable for people to talk about money. But it's kind of like someone says in Harry Potter (I think maybe it was Dumbledore). By not speaking Voldemort's name, you give him more power. Money has no real power. But by refusing to talk about it, we give it more power than it should have. And it's twice as bad for me to talk about because I am coming from one situation where fundraising was necessary and am potentially going to another where it will be necessary again. But part of my frustration is that no matter how little we have to give, if we give out of what we have to live on and trust that God will provide for our basic needs, it doesn't matter how little we give. Just like if we give out of our abundance, and don't need to trust God, what we've given doesn't matter so much in the big scheme of things. God is in the business of not making sense in the way we want Him to. His upside-down Kingdom says the first shall be last and the last shall be first. I want to be like the poor widow who gives everything she has because she loves God that much and she trusts God that much-she recognizes that what she has isn't hers to begin with so she gives it ALL back. Not just what's left over when she's done what she wants with what she earned.

Congratulations if you made it this far. I realize it's long-I can tend to be a little long-winded.

Father, make me like this widow. Make me love You more than I love my money and everything my money can give to me. Help me trust that even flowers and birds are taken care of and without working for it. You want to provide for me. Help me to be humble enough to accept your provision. Protect me from the feeling that I have done anything to earn whatever money and possessions I have been entrusted with. Remind me of what you've done for me this far, and help me keep the faith-confidence in what I hope for and the assurance of what we don't see.

decisions and walking by faith

I have a lot I want to say and I'm not sure if I want to say it all in one post or if I want to say it in two. If I'm honest, I don't even know where to start. But I'll call this post decisions and just make it about my immediate future. Then soon, I'll write another. Maybe I'll write it tonight. But for now... decisions.

So at this point last year, I had already decided what to do. In fact, I had given my official decision to ESI and Fishnet about my plans for this year in December-two months or more before I had to. Because I was that sure. In fact, starting off the school year, I was fairly certain I would be here a 2nd year. But going into this year was completely different. I left America telling myself I had made one decision. As soon as I got to the Czech Republic, I thought I would make a different decision. I went back and forth all through the fall, considered getting a different job here which would allow me to pay my student loans. I had the plans all out in front of me. And they were perfect...

Until about January. It might have been December, but I think it was January that I started thinking that God might be calling me back to America. I realize it's dangerous to put this all out there. But I'm just going to. I'm sorry if you're learning about any of this struggle for the first time through a blog. It's hard for me to talk about because the decision is so excruciating. My heart is here in Ostrava, and if I were able to go back to America and make lots of money, I'd come back every summer. But it appears that this might not be God's plan either. I have a few options on the table. And I'm not entirely closed off to staying either. I love Ostrava and the Czech Republic and all of the fabulous friends I've made here. I will miss them so much, and it breaks my heart to know that I may leave that, and have no definite plans to return in the near future.

But even now, I feel like God will require a great amount of faith from me, regardless of which decision I make. I feel fortunate that I have been brought so far in a life which requires so much faith-building, though sometimes I'd like to curse it, as well. Go from one job which provides enough money to survive to another job which may provide less than that, or to a different faith option where I could potentially end up with no job at all. I think I know which one I am being called to, but there's still that whispering doubt lingering in the back of my mind, reminding me of the what-ifs. But that is a time where I am ever-thankful for the relationship I've built and nurtured over the years that allows me to stand firm, at least for the time being, in knowing what I should do, at least for this moment. But trust rarely comes easily for me. But now a new lesson. Humility. I'll choose not to talk about this one much. It's the beginning of that lesson, so I don't want to tell anyone about it. Just know it's happening.

Please pray for me for two things. Pray that I'll have the faith to do whatever He asks, regardless of how much sense it makes to me or to anyone else. And pray that I will learn this lesson on humility with grace.