blind faith

Sorry if this blog mirrors yesterday's blog. I think I have some different things to say, but one can never be sure. The topic is similar, but not quite the same.

Hebrews 11:1 (NIV) Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1-2 (The Message) The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.

Matthew 6:24 and Luke 16:13 No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

I'm on my way there, but I haven't read the whole Bible yet. Working on it presently, but sadly, I haven't managed it. In any case, I'm pretty sure there is no where that it says that the narrow path is the easy one. Or that if you have faith, God will disclose to you information that no one else has access to. Or that God will always tell you in advance where you're supposed to go or what you're supposed to do, or even what His plan may be about a certain matter that you decide is worth wasting your time worrying about. In Matthew 6:33, Jesus reminds us, "So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today."

One thing that God has been pointing out to me lately is just how much I don't have to worry about money. But He hasn't been pointing it out by providing it. He just keeps bringing it up. For a little bit, it was about how frustrated I was at how others seem so unwilling to trust God when it comes to giving money away. Generally, I trust God enough to give my money away. But today it hit me that I still seem to struggle with trusting that God will give to me.

Somehow, him providing the $17,000+ I needed to raise to teach in the Czech Republic for the last 2 years wasn't proof enough. Or him providing enough money for me to pay almost $500 a month for over a year for a car I wasn't able to actually use. Or him then providing a person to buy that car from me so I didn't have that hanging over my head. Or him providing enough money to pay for my student loans last year so I didn't have to put them in deferment. Or even when I couldn't rub two crowns together in the fall, and he still provided me with a way to have snacks at church or dinner out with friends-without me asking them for help, often. And these are only the recent things that I can think of. The list actually goes on and on and on. But yet I find it necessary to worry about next year. What if I don't have a job and can't pay my bills? What if I get accepted to the program I applied for but no one supports me financially? What if I can't raise enough support to pay the bills I have to pay?

I'm gonna be a little vague, and say if you want to know more about what I'm talking about, email me. I'm just not ready to post it in its entirety on such a public forum yet. But there's a program which I recently applied to for next year. I feel that God is calling me to this. And yet, I feel the need to worry about stupid things like money. It requires fundraising-which I must admit hurts my pride at least a little. it could require me asking for help in a way I don't want to-which hurts my pride even more. In knowing how frustrating and discouraging fundraising was in general over the past two years, I honestly don't want to open myself up to that again. Please don't misunderstand. I am eternally grateful to those who supported me. But it can be so discouraging to see that only one or two or three people supported me regularly. I say all of this at a risk of offending people. I know that the economy is tough and that people are out of jobs and that many of my friends have more than just themselves to look out for, and children cost a lot of money. I may not be in the same situation, but I get it.

In Mark and Luke, a story is told about a poor widow. "He sat down opposite the treasury, and watched the crowd putting money into the treasury. Many rich people put in large sums. A poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which are worth a penny. Then he called his disciples and said to them, 'Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the treasury. For all of them have contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on,'" (Mark 12:41-44, also in Luke 21:1-4).

I recognize that this is not a popular topic-it's not comfortable for people to talk about money. But it's kind of like someone says in Harry Potter (I think maybe it was Dumbledore). By not speaking Voldemort's name, you give him more power. Money has no real power. But by refusing to talk about it, we give it more power than it should have. And it's twice as bad for me to talk about because I am coming from one situation where fundraising was necessary and am potentially going to another where it will be necessary again. But part of my frustration is that no matter how little we have to give, if we give out of what we have to live on and trust that God will provide for our basic needs, it doesn't matter how little we give. Just like if we give out of our abundance, and don't need to trust God, what we've given doesn't matter so much in the big scheme of things. God is in the business of not making sense in the way we want Him to. His upside-down Kingdom says the first shall be last and the last shall be first. I want to be like the poor widow who gives everything she has because she loves God that much and she trusts God that much-she recognizes that what she has isn't hers to begin with so she gives it ALL back. Not just what's left over when she's done what she wants with what she earned.

Congratulations if you made it this far. I realize it's long-I can tend to be a little long-winded.

Father, make me like this widow. Make me love You more than I love my money and everything my money can give to me. Help me trust that even flowers and birds are taken care of and without working for it. You want to provide for me. Help me to be humble enough to accept your provision. Protect me from the feeling that I have done anything to earn whatever money and possessions I have been entrusted with. Remind me of what you've done for me this far, and help me keep the faith-confidence in what I hope for and the assurance of what we don't see.