lucky you!

So I'm not sure if it's fitting, but I started writing my last blog fully knowing that I would be writing two blogs tonight. Trials and perseverance were to be the topic of the first, and the topic of this, the second, is exhaustion.

I don't know what is so different about this year, but the first month of teaching has been very taxing on me. Those of you who know teacher-Jess know that working late hours isn't necessarily a problem for me. It was common for me in Philly, at least in the earlier years, to get to work really early and leave really late. I was usually planning or grading work while I was there, and I managed well. It was tiring, but I had no personal life, really, so it wasn't a problem. In fact, I stayed until the school building closed at 7 on Halloween one year. But there's something different about it this year. Perhaps it's the struggle of juggling a personal life with work. This is in no way meant to be a complaint about life. I am very happy with most aspects of my life right now, but am also frustrated, possibly with myself, at the fact that I am missing out on fun things that I normally would love to do because I feel weary. And this makes me a bit nervous because it's only October. Fortunately, my week is most difficult in the beginning of the week, or i'd be headed for at least a 50 hour week! And that's just for work. The hard part is that I want to do social things. As an extrovert, I need time with people. Teenagers and above-that's the only stipulation. Anything younger than a teenager and it feels more like I'm babysitting or teaching than I'm enjoying myself. This doesn't refuel me. But tea at a cafe with one or two friends, or a house party with 25 people hanging out and enjoying each others company, and anything in between-that's what I need. People with whom I have a relationship.

This year is hard because Erica's schedule is so different from mine that we literally have like two nights a week that we can almost enjoy each other's company, but one of those is only every other week, and the other weeks, we do a Bible study, so it's not like one on one quality time. If you compare this to the other team of girls here, that's not so bad. But if you compare it to last year, it's a challenge. Erica and I had dinner just about every night together, and we loved it. We would talk about what was going on, what was tough, what was great, what we wanted to do in the next week, anything was open for discussion. And now, we feel like we have no time! It's a struggle.

While I have been blessed with so many great friends here in Ostrava, I feel as if I can't see them, and this is also tough. I am very sad because I have been feeling so overwhelmed with all of these things that I decided not to go to Film Weekend. I wish so much that I could be there, but for my sanity, I need to not go. It was a tough decision, but I feel that at this point, it's a necessary one. This weekend, I need to rest-and yet I find that even in my "restful" weekend, I find myself wanting to fill my time. In some way, it's not a problem. I want to use the time to work on relationships that I have had to neglect because more urgent matters have come up. I feel bad saying I have no free time. Because I know that on Saturdays I normally do next to nothing, except maybe at night. But like I said before, this doesn't refuel me, it just allows me to feel like I don't have any obligations. Being with people is what refuels me-and teaching isn't quite what I mean :-) though sometimes it suits me well enough-when it has to.

Part of me hopes this is becoming too long for people to finish reading at this point :-) I have to say I am honestly struggling with the fact that I decided not to go to Film Weekend because I need some "time off" not from YL but from responsibilities in general, and then I may decide to go to a Halloween party or have lunch with a friend, or try to spend time with friends to be renewed. And definitely to spend some time with God, as well. But I feel mentally drained right now, and I need some time with no responsibilities and to just be.

Please pray for me as I seek to find ways to rest during the week, and to be less lazy and more restful at all times. And if you have any suggestions or ideas from your own experiences, feel free to share! I am a little nervous that this is hitting in October, and I hope things do get better because I may have a serious issue on my hands if it's still this busy in, say, February!